Back in the World

For over a year i have been living in an old Spanish farmhouse in the mountains and i finally moved out on Wednesday night. I moved into my friends’ house in one of the local villages, where i will stay for a few weeks until i take a trans-Atlantic voyage back to the United States. The move itself was relatively quick and easy – we moved my stuff and disposed of everything else in the house in half a day – but it is a significant move for me. It marks the end of my retreat and my return to “civilization”; i have been living on the same mountain for most of the last five years and now it is time to leave.

I don’t think the full implications of my change of lifestyle have sunk in yet. Although i have known for a few weeks that i would be ending retreat and leaving Spain, i don’t yet feel like much has changed. So far, the biggest difference between town life and mountain life has been an increased sense of comfort and convenience! It is so pleasant to have a grocery store around the corner where i can pick up just what i need at the moment instead of having to buy and transport a month’s stock of food up the mountain. Not to mention the joys of hot showers, washing machines, television, internet, and landlines, which are now all at my fingertips. It’s almost enough to make one wonder why anyone would willingly adopt austerities and inconvenience for a little more peace and quiet. I can see why so many people might find my retreat lifestyle strange and unnecessary. (But, of course, the call of the spirit cannot be reduced to a balance sheet of conveniences lost vs. pleasures gained.)

I understand in an intellectual way that i am in the midst of a life-changing transition but it hasn’t yet hit me on an emotional level. And perhaps that won’t happen until i am back in America, faced with all the daily challenges that i have been exempted from for the last five years. I think that blunt confrontation with reality will be somewhat painful, deflating, humbling, and confusing but part of me is looking forward to it because i think that the real significance of the last five years will only become apparent when i reflect on it from the perspective of my new life. I have been so fortunate to have been granted this time to devote entirely to my spiritual practice and it has been a rewarding experience which has instilled the pleasant taste of freedom, peace, and love. But the protective conditions that were responsible for allowing me to go deeper and deeper into my practice were also responsible for insulating me from all the nitty-gritty details and hardships of modern life. It is these “mundane” considerations that will serve as the real test of my spiritual development and provide a reliable perspective from which to judge the effectiveness of my period of seclusion. My only wish is that i will somehow be able to retain – and convey to others – the essence of my retreat experience within the context of ordinary life.

But, for the moment at least, it feels great to be back in the world – if you can call a small, quiet Spanish village “in the world”.